Learning stillness

Funny how sometimes life has to come to a crashing halt in order for you to gaze around for a second and understand what really has come to pass. My life has taken a course that propels it in a dizzying speed around knowledge, relationships, time and words that seek to mold me into what the world hopes I shall someday become. In the midst of this madness I find myself desperately holding on to the only thing that is constant in my life. I have learned that identity does not lie in the relationships you have, in what institutions say you are... it does not lie in education, outwards appearance, nor in experience. Being at university brought me to a place where I had to consider what really mattered in my life. Whether everything I said I was was really my identity or whether I was only a product of my environment and therefore susceptible to change. Would I give up the essence of my being to become another? Did I really believe in everything I stood for or was it just something I adopted because everyone around me felt the same? So now I was on my own faced with the terrifying thought that my life's devotion from the time I was a child to now could all have been blindly accepted. Was this professed love of the One who knew me fully and who I thought I knew just dogma? The question brought me to my knees for I came to realise that I could lose all I stood for in one night. I could go out, leave behind my innocence, my purity, my values and throw them into the dark and spit in the face of Jesus. The very thought of that hurt me more than anything. How could I ever deny the One who loved me first? A friend sat across from me. We were having dinner. Catching up after being apart for a year. Friends in High School, now living two very different lives. He says: " I don't understand. You're 19 and you've given your life completely to something/someone you've never seen?" I'd never thought of it that way. The answer in the end was yes. This is who I am. My identity lies in the man Christ Jesus. No one could ever compare to Him. But all the rest I am not sure about. The theology, the dogma, the cliché phrases have been stripped away in one year. What I'm left with is the fundamentals of a cross, innocent blood shed and a life not worthy of such sacrifice yet given a gift that was more precious than anything this life could ever offer. So we're starting from scratch.

My first year at university has come to an end and I find myself in the middle of my summer. So now I guess I should ask the question the Pulitzer prize winning musical Rent so famously coined: How do you measure a year? A year full of new experiences, new friends, a year in a new world...
If I were to begin to tell you about a year of Salvador Dali, cocktail parties, black gowns, rain, incredible friendships, countless art galleries, the streets of London in high heels, Tony Blair retiring as Prime Minister, bomb scares and goodbyes I don't know if that would begin to sum it up. Looking out of the floor to ceiling window in my new apartment I could describe a street lined with 17th century houses, cobble stoned roads and the red sign that proudly advertises the mode of communication that is still highly prized and respected in the UK; the Post Office. But these are only glimpses of what I see. I've been introduced to new world views, have seen that success and ambition drives this country to have one of the highest stress levels in Europe. I've survived the exam period where first year law students became crazed conniving creatures living in dens filled with books and dirty coffee cups strewn across the floor. And now I find myself once again facing the terrifying thought of what happens next. Because next summer is the summer of the VAT schemes, vacation placements with top law firms in order to put your foot into the door that will bring you to the great race. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the rat race. Forgive me if I'm sounding slightly cynical. The cynicism is just my fear vocalized. Yet I'm in this journey of trust. To trust that He who is faithful till the end has a plan for my life and that instead of trying to be in control I should let Him take hold of my hand and lead me forward. It's terrifying because the thing with destiny and God promising that He has a plan and a future for your life, is that you can't deny that your life is going somewhere even when everything inside you is screaming with frustration. You see, He'll always come back to remind you, always come once more with His peace that transcends the chaos of this world. And when I'm quiet and at rest again He'll speak and give me a new attitude, a changed perspective. Guy Chevreau in his book "Turnings" says that in order to see clearly we have to look at things upside down. I guess what he's trying to explain is that God's way is not our way. That things turn a little topsy turvy when we're living out a life in His footsteps. So now theres summer. A missions trip to Malaysia with friends, a few weeks alone just sitting in His presence, time in New Zealand with family. Life really is not so bad after all. Here's to the dolce vita. :) cheers!

England

It's been a really long time since I last wrote on this. As is usual time past comes hand in hand with change. I guess over the last three months I've experienced more change than I have ever experienced in my life. I'm now a law student, I live in England, I've become independent, I've met new people, been to new places, made new friends, experienced new things. And these experiences have also taught me more about life. I think everyone should at one time in their life take a chance and completely change their enviroment. It's part of the process of growing up. The life that I lead now is very different from my old one back home. Everyday comes with a new discovery for me as I try to grow and understand this culture that I live in. One of the things I have learnt is that even when I'm raging away my Jesus is constant and faithful. It was so overwhelming at first to find myself in a whole different world; a world revolving around tea, fair trade, pints of guiness, cues, football and the weather. All in contrast to my old world of highways, hockey games, snow, Tim Hortons, open outgoing people, malls, and open space. But although it was scary and different at first I'm beginning to fall in love with the life I now lead. Yesterday I was walking back from uni and it sort of hit me that I'm actually in England. A life long dream has become reality.
Sure, I still commit social faux pas after the other... to the general amusement of my friends but I think I'm slowly beginning to understand the people here.
To try and describe the what life is like here I should probably begin with a typical day. Unfortunately being a law student studying two subjects means I have a lot of hours. So the day starts at 7am. I have to drag myself out of bed and then trudge down to the dining hall that looks like something out of a Harry Potter movie. Sitting on the wooden benches in a room covered with oak paneling, portraits of wardens past, and several other tired, hung over students I try to get down the typical english breakfast which we have everyday. I pass on the runny eggs, grab a piece of toast and a bowl of porridge and completely ignore the sausage, bacon and hash browns and try not to glance at the baked beans floating in the large tin pan. Having accomplished that, I can now proceed to find myself a mug embelished with the Wills Hall emblem and skip the line or should I say cue of students waiting for a cup of tea while I seek out the jug of milk. Mission accomplished, I consume the bowl of porridge to the great horror of my friend Kelly who thinks it is complete suicide to eat anything like that. Now I have to explain what porridge is. Porridge is what we could call oatmeal except less chunky. It's also sometimes known as farmers gruel but that sounds nasty so we'll stick with porridge. After breakfast I walk back to my room making sure I don't step on the manicured lawn in the middle of the quad. Twenty past nine it is finally time to join the horde of students who are making their way down to uni. Living in Stoke Bishop means we have a lovely 40 minute walk everyday. At first this killed me but eventually I've come to enjoy the 15 minute walk across the vast expanse of green known as the downs and then the trek down Black Boy Hill. If its a nice day which here would mean no rain it can be a great time just to think but if its raining its the most miserable thing. A friend once described the masses of students in Bristol at 9 in the morning as a little army of umbrellas. Funny illustration but quite true. I might take a photo of that some time so that you guys can get what she meant. Anyways, the streets of Bristol get taken over by students at this time as we all try to make it down in time for lectures. Finally we've reached Whiteladies and I step into the magnificent building of the law department known as Wills Memorial Building. Everytime, without fail, I get the feeling of awe. It's an impressive building with huge vaulted ceilings with engravings craved into the ancient stones and the university emblem hanging proudly over the archway. I sit through a couple of lectures about the Human Rights Act 1998 and vicarious liability trying hard to understand my northen irish lecturers accent and trying to keep awake in my tort lecture with the dear old professor with the soothing voice. He seriously sounds like the stereotypical image of an old english grandfather. Lectures over, my friends and I trudge out; now desperate for a caffe latte to awaken us out of our slumber. Off to Cafe Gusto we go. I love Bristol with its little caffes and shops all perched on big hills, and the people milling around all intent on reaching some destination. This place has character which is quite uncharacteristic of a canadian city or town. On the corner there stands the usual jamaican man whistling and dancing around trying to sell "The Big Issue" a largely socialist magazine. Then theres the bag pipe player in his quilt filling the air with haunting sounds of the drones while the homeless man sits in front of the Sainsbury( local supermarket) with a sign saying " I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just hungry" as businessmen in suits and gentlemen umbrellas, mothers with little children and laughing students hurry past. But this pretty little picture would be a lie if I were to tell you that this is all. I'm still gripped by this great sense of urgency. That theres something more than just this everyday in and out. The thing that has been constantly on my mind since starting law school is this huge sense that there is so much more to life than what the system tells me. I feel like everyday I am carried along by the masses, doing the thing I'm supposed to, blindly listening to the urgings of " GET SUCCESS, JOIN THE MAGIC CIRCLE, MONE Y MONEY MONEY!". Yes, I know that I'm studying law for a reason but no one here seems to understand that reason except maybe for a few friends. But even living for a cause is not what I want my life to be. Yea I can go get the degree and then fight for human rights but in the end I will still be left with this great sense of loneliness. There's this urgency that I must have more of Him, that all this pressure to get the grades and make it big, and understand this culture and make the friends all becomes meaningless if I don't have Him. I thought that once I became a student I would find myself caught up in a great revolution, where people dared to dream idealistic dreams and live outside the box but its so far from it. What is wrong with our generation? Do we have nothing left to dream for? Has every battle been fought and lost? I think that this age is not about the fight for equal rights, for fair trade and saving the environment. I think this generation is looking for more than a cause; we're looking for something to believe in. These three months have thought me that everything that I am and will be comes down to what I believe. I was talking to a friend a few days ago and he looked at me and two of my best friends and he said " You guys have something to believe in and I have nothing." Protests and anarchy and revolution are all just empty. Degrees and success and money are nothing. Destiny is everything and the cry that resounds in every young person's heart is that someone will ask us to fight, someone will ask us to stand. Where do we stand ? Where does this life lead to? We were not made to become blind automatoms. One man, one life, onething. This is my hearts desire. That everything I am becomes defined by the man Jesus. That every breath I breathe, everything I do is done because of Him. I will get that law degree, and I will graduate with the marks that society tells me but I will not stoop down and let myself get lost in the crowd. A degree is onething, this love story is another. My generation is crying for something to believe in. And I've found that something. This life is empty and meaningless unless I see His face.

PS: it snowed today. I went a little camera crazy and a my thoughts sort of went off in their own world as you can see. I apologise. I really was intending that this blog entry be light hearted.
Check out my pics at www.flickr.com/photos/withjustoneglance

The longing

One moment I feel You
The next You've disappeared
This distance
Draws me deeper
The shattered pieces of emotions
Lie quietly in your hands
The screaming is done now
For deep calls unto deep
As waves of love
Sweep over me
I am overwhelmed in silence
The looking glass of my soul
is held by you
And you gaze and gaze
You break me
One piece at a time
And then you heal me
Change me
Refine me
There's onething that remains
Your voice resonating
on the walls of my heart
Deep stillness echoes of
a love story in eternity.

Thorns and Roses... my great deception

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess...
Every little girl grows up hearing these words once in her life. This classic beginning of a fairy tale has inspired us to dream and feel beautiful, always wishing that one day we would be that beautiful princess and find our prince charming. But as we grow up that dream diminishes and we face the stark reality that life is not a fairy tale and that it does not always end in a happy ending. We awaken to a world of hate, brokeness and pain and the small longings of that little girls heart are buried beneath the worries of life.
I have never been so aware of the darkness of my heart than I have been since coming here. Being in a place where there is twenty-four hour worship and prayer has the strange effect of making you encounter God face to face whether you want to or not. But I didn't encounter Him the way I expected to. Instead this is a tale of a sleeping bride and a jealous,love sick lover who lets nothing stand between Him and His love.
Coming here has changed my perspective on a lot of things. But one of the most powerful things of all is that my eyes have been opened to the depravity of my heart. It's almost as if the mask that I have worn and used to deceive others as well as myself, has been torn and I am left vulnerable and naked. But in seeing my imperfection I have come to realise that in my weakness He is stronger and He desires me.
Now I want to be very real and explain that I have been extremely offended at God since coming here. It's painful to realise that I have so many issues and it hurts to have Him begin to bring them to light. For the longest time I couldn't even understand what I was going through. All I could do was sit in that prayer room and feel empty and far far away from God. It felt like in His nearness I was experiencing His absence. But He is so faithful. He never leaves us in the dark.
A couple of days ago my friend Aaron and I were praying together with my lovely European guys( more about them another time) and he turns to me and says " I see 'Sleeping Beautiful'over you" I totally laughed at him because I've been getting some sketchy prophecies here from guys who have tried to hit on me so this seemed really ridiculous. But those words wouldn't leave my mind. After praying I went back into the prayer room and all of a sudden I got this huge download from God. He reminded me that in German the title of the sleeping beautiful literally translated meant "thorn rose". I got a mental image of a huge castle surrounded by thorns which were covered by roses. The holy spirit began to reveal to me that those thorns were the things I had within my heart that were there to keep Him and others out. These were my dark issues of pride, bitterness, anger, selfishness etc etc. I had fooled myself into thinking that I did not have these issues and to appear that way to the rest of the world I had covered them up with roses. And then as I was looking at this castle I saw the prince. He was furiously hacking away at the thorns, a look of passion on his face as he worked to remove all that was in the way of him and his beloved. And as he chopped down the thorns he was getting scratched and his garments were being ripped to shreds. Yet not even the pain he was enduring would hinder him from making a path straight to the one he was lovesick over. And I realised that that prince was my Jesus. He was my passionate lover, lovesick for my heart while I lay asleep within the castle. He was the only one willing to deal with all my brokeness, to make a way past all my issues and to remove all that would hinder love. And this love that He was expressing was almost offensive because it was a jealous love. He wants all of me and he stand at nothing to get my whole heart. Theres pain in refinement but the end result is always beauty. This is what life is about. Theres nothing more this world can offer.

A VISUAL IMAGE OF FIRE IN THE NIGHT

Hey peeps,
This is a short little slideshow of some of the incredible people I have met here. I have included all my closests buds in this and there is more to come so look out for more of these slideshows

At the break of dawn

This is the view I get every morning just before I go to sleep. The rest of the world is waking but I get to sleep with this picture firmly embedded in my mind. There's something about having been up all night and then when you finally do come out seeing a sky like that. A feeling of such awe overcomes you. Fire in the Nighters live a life between two days. We wake up in the middle of one day and go to sleep at the beginning of the next. I've sort of lost myself in this lifestyle. It feels like I was made to pray in the darkness and the awesome thing is that I am doing it with people who have exactly the same goal as me, which is pursuing Jesus with our whole heart.

Last night really confirmed to me why I am being insane and staying up to pray in the night. Two of my friends and I were sitting outside in the dark because the cafe was closed. All of a sudden this drunk guy comes lumbering over to us. We weren't scared because we had one of our guy friends. I found it amusing at first but after a while it was really sad. One guy was telling me that this man came to the missions base a lot and would sometimes come and sit in the prayer room but had now gone back to his original lifestyle. Last winter they found him crawling around in the bitter cold. If they hadn't found him he would have probably frozen to death. But what really disturbed me was that the guy who was telling me this finished by shrugging his shoulders and saying: " You get used to it around here"
That really scared me. All I could think was " O Jesus don't ever let me become desentized and uncaring towards the broken and the poor."
It's so easy to become caught up with praying for revival and the ending of abortion and good stuff like that. But I hope I never forget those that society has rejected. My prayer is that I'll never turn my back in disgust but will always walk in the footsteps of my Humble King. I pray in the night because it is in the night that those who have no where else to go and who have no hope left come out. Never forget the forgotten ones of the night.