The longing

One moment I feel You
The next You've disappeared
This distance
Draws me deeper
The shattered pieces of emotions
Lie quietly in your hands
The screaming is done now
For deep calls unto deep
As waves of love
Sweep over me
I am overwhelmed in silence
The looking glass of my soul
is held by you
And you gaze and gaze
You break me
One piece at a time
And then you heal me
Change me
Refine me
There's onething that remains
Your voice resonating
on the walls of my heart
Deep stillness echoes of
a love story in eternity.

Thorns and Roses... my great deception

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess...
Every little girl grows up hearing these words once in her life. This classic beginning of a fairy tale has inspired us to dream and feel beautiful, always wishing that one day we would be that beautiful princess and find our prince charming. But as we grow up that dream diminishes and we face the stark reality that life is not a fairy tale and that it does not always end in a happy ending. We awaken to a world of hate, brokeness and pain and the small longings of that little girls heart are buried beneath the worries of life.
I have never been so aware of the darkness of my heart than I have been since coming here. Being in a place where there is twenty-four hour worship and prayer has the strange effect of making you encounter God face to face whether you want to or not. But I didn't encounter Him the way I expected to. Instead this is a tale of a sleeping bride and a jealous,love sick lover who lets nothing stand between Him and His love.
Coming here has changed my perspective on a lot of things. But one of the most powerful things of all is that my eyes have been opened to the depravity of my heart. It's almost as if the mask that I have worn and used to deceive others as well as myself, has been torn and I am left vulnerable and naked. But in seeing my imperfection I have come to realise that in my weakness He is stronger and He desires me.
Now I want to be very real and explain that I have been extremely offended at God since coming here. It's painful to realise that I have so many issues and it hurts to have Him begin to bring them to light. For the longest time I couldn't even understand what I was going through. All I could do was sit in that prayer room and feel empty and far far away from God. It felt like in His nearness I was experiencing His absence. But He is so faithful. He never leaves us in the dark.
A couple of days ago my friend Aaron and I were praying together with my lovely European guys( more about them another time) and he turns to me and says " I see 'Sleeping Beautiful'over you" I totally laughed at him because I've been getting some sketchy prophecies here from guys who have tried to hit on me so this seemed really ridiculous. But those words wouldn't leave my mind. After praying I went back into the prayer room and all of a sudden I got this huge download from God. He reminded me that in German the title of the sleeping beautiful literally translated meant "thorn rose". I got a mental image of a huge castle surrounded by thorns which were covered by roses. The holy spirit began to reveal to me that those thorns were the things I had within my heart that were there to keep Him and others out. These were my dark issues of pride, bitterness, anger, selfishness etc etc. I had fooled myself into thinking that I did not have these issues and to appear that way to the rest of the world I had covered them up with roses. And then as I was looking at this castle I saw the prince. He was furiously hacking away at the thorns, a look of passion on his face as he worked to remove all that was in the way of him and his beloved. And as he chopped down the thorns he was getting scratched and his garments were being ripped to shreds. Yet not even the pain he was enduring would hinder him from making a path straight to the one he was lovesick over. And I realised that that prince was my Jesus. He was my passionate lover, lovesick for my heart while I lay asleep within the castle. He was the only one willing to deal with all my brokeness, to make a way past all my issues and to remove all that would hinder love. And this love that He was expressing was almost offensive because it was a jealous love. He wants all of me and he stand at nothing to get my whole heart. Theres pain in refinement but the end result is always beauty. This is what life is about. Theres nothing more this world can offer.

A VISUAL IMAGE OF FIRE IN THE NIGHT

Hey peeps,
This is a short little slideshow of some of the incredible people I have met here. I have included all my closests buds in this and there is more to come so look out for more of these slideshows

At the break of dawn

This is the view I get every morning just before I go to sleep. The rest of the world is waking but I get to sleep with this picture firmly embedded in my mind. There's something about having been up all night and then when you finally do come out seeing a sky like that. A feeling of such awe overcomes you. Fire in the Nighters live a life between two days. We wake up in the middle of one day and go to sleep at the beginning of the next. I've sort of lost myself in this lifestyle. It feels like I was made to pray in the darkness and the awesome thing is that I am doing it with people who have exactly the same goal as me, which is pursuing Jesus with our whole heart.

Last night really confirmed to me why I am being insane and staying up to pray in the night. Two of my friends and I were sitting outside in the dark because the cafe was closed. All of a sudden this drunk guy comes lumbering over to us. We weren't scared because we had one of our guy friends. I found it amusing at first but after a while it was really sad. One guy was telling me that this man came to the missions base a lot and would sometimes come and sit in the prayer room but had now gone back to his original lifestyle. Last winter they found him crawling around in the bitter cold. If they hadn't found him he would have probably frozen to death. But what really disturbed me was that the guy who was telling me this finished by shrugging his shoulders and saying: " You get used to it around here"
That really scared me. All I could think was " O Jesus don't ever let me become desentized and uncaring towards the broken and the poor."
It's so easy to become caught up with praying for revival and the ending of abortion and good stuff like that. But I hope I never forget those that society has rejected. My prayer is that I'll never turn my back in disgust but will always walk in the footsteps of my Humble King. I pray in the night because it is in the night that those who have no where else to go and who have no hope left come out. Never forget the forgotten ones of the night.

Of bugs and the petitions of a longing heart.

In passionate intercession before the throne of God, music picks up speed and the room joins in chorus as we sing out scripture. I'm on the mike, I'm asking God to reveal himself to our generation. All of a sudden I feel something crawling on my back. I can't swat at myself or suddenly begin to hop around because people would think I'm possesed. So I finish my pray as if everything is normal and then race to the washroom and rip off my shirt. Out plops this massive black beetle. I would have screamed if I were the screaming type. I stared at it in horror for a few seconds and then came to my senses and violently took of my flip flop and proceeded to schmush the little bugger to a plup. But o horror of horrors it refuses to die and runs happily underneath the stall and visits the person with the red sandals next door. Very shaken I exit my stall and slowly make my way back to the prayer room still extrememly disturbed. Eventually I calm down and enjoy the rest of the night. However the next day the same thing happens. This time I'm sitting at the back of the prayer room checking my emails when I feel somthing tickly on my neck. I grab at it and a bigger black beetle skydives to the floor and runs happily away. So as you can expect I am completely paranoid about black beetles crawling on my back. Ugh anyway enough of the beetles;nasty little creatures.
I have completely adjusted to life here. I love being up at night and my sleep has not been affected at all. The minute my head hits the pillow I'm out. I still need to get used to some of the rules here. Like for example the one where girls can't walk from their apartment to the missions base without a guy. Not even if there is two of us. Annoying because I like being independent but o well I'll get over it.
I wish you all could be here. God has been speaking to me about so many things. But the main thing right now is that I'm learning to be whole heartedly sold out to him and to desire a holy lifestyle. Tomorrow the global bridegroom fast begins which is a three day fast they have here every beginning of each month. Please pray for me because I love my food and its going to be extremely difficult to part with it. My roommates and I went to this place to eat today called Chipotle, to celebrate our last day with food. I had this amazing humongous fajita burrito. The girls were so amazed that I finished it all! haha they aren't used to my eating habits. My size fools them I think. There is so much more that I am learning but it would be an endless blog if I start explaining now. If any of you want to hear whats going during Fire in the Night you should go to www.ihop.org and click on internships and then sign up for the free podcast of the nightwatch. It will almost be like you're with me here in the prayer room in the middle of the night. I miss you all a lot but I know that I am in the place God wants me to be right now. Hope to hear from everyone soon. lots of love,
Angelina

The sleep deprived rambles of Angelina as she sits at Jesus' feet

I don't have a lot of time to blog so this is going to have to be pretty short. My body is slowly adjusting to staying up at night. When I say slowly I mean it literally. It's been hard going to sleep at 6 am when the sun rises and then in the darkest hours of the night being up and praying. But it is because I'm up during the darkest hours in the night that I've been really starting to understand what it means to say "Jesus be my strength in my weakness". Last night was extremely difficult for me. It was a fasting day so I decided to give it a try. I managed to spend most of the "day", that for me being 2pm to 1am, living off one banana but once the 1am mark hit I couldn't take it anymore and had to devour a sandwich and whatever else they had for us. It was so hard to be up and not having food because I couldn't concentrate and everything hurt and I felt like I was about to drop down and just fall asleep. All I could do was repeat over and over in my mind "Jesus, you be my strength". Now I'm not going to tell you that all of a sudden I was filled with miraculous energy and proceeded to do back flips around the prayer room. Definitely not! I sort of trudged my way through the rest of the night only able to worship. I wasn't able to study my Bible or anything profound but I know that last night was special because God began to place so many of you on my heart and all I could do was pray. I'm starting to get a bit homesick but I know I'm supposed to be here right now even though it feels like BIBLE BOOT CAMP. READ THAT BIBLE DO IT DO IT DO IT!! haha totally joking its all about grace but when your body aches and you need toothpicks to keep your eyes open you feel very very rebellious. It's dinner in about half an hour so I'm off. I love and miss you all please call me or send me letters. I have a phone!! woohoo

First day of Fire in the Night

It's 9:25pm Kansas City time which is an hour behind Toronto time and I am here sitting in the cafe on the missions base. My journey here was quite uneventful except for the American immigrations officer giving me a little trouble before letting me go in. He didn't really buy my story about visiting friends in Kansas for three months. Probably because there is not much to do here but tip cows and run around in cornfields and pretend you're Dorothy who's off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of Oz. Just joking... I am here to radically encounter Jesus and to pray like I've never prayed before so its all worth it.
My plane landed at KC airport around 10:30 where I was picked up by my friend Charlie Warlie. Charlie's his name not Charlie Warlie but I like Charlie Warlie better so that is what I have dubbed him. Charlie's a crazy awesome guy. Little (well not little he's tall)Brit boy with crazy dreads. Anyways so he picked me up and then I went and crashed at his place for a bit because I was crazy tired having been up since 4am. My nap, however, only lasted for about an hour because this little baby started screaming bloody murder! Yes there are alot of people in the Hibberd house at the moment. Following my interrupted nap I was driven to a walmart about half an hour away. There's actually a walmart ten minutes away but for some reason Ihoppers won't go there because they say its ghetto and you'll get mugged if you're white. Thats complete and utter rubbish. My mom and I went there all last summer but I'm not going to judge the peeps here I'm just going to show them that there's not need for nasty prejudices. More about this issue later.
After Walmart came back to Charlies had burgers and then I was off to register myself into Fire in the Night. I met my team leaders who funnily enough are all called Sarah. I find that very amusing. The girls in my apartment are all really nice. I happen to be the youngest that I know off for now. Most people in this internship are in their early twenties but hey I guess this will just make me more mature. I'm such a kid I have to grow up sometime so this will be a great time to do so. I have another 8 hours left to go in this day. They are starting us on the program right away meaning we're going to have to be up till 4 am tonight. Ooo Angelina is sooo happy about that. NOT!! I need someone with a pokey stick to sit next to me and poke me when I fall asleep. Anyways I think I'm going to go to the prayer room for a bit to soak. There's a lot I want to get out of this internship but the one thing I want to learn is to have HIM saturate all that I am. I want who I am to be defined by all that Jesus is. Passionate lovers is definetly the word to describe the people here. I miss you all but I'll be bringing you before His throne as I stay up to pray tonight.
luv always,
Angelina

Amy says goodbye

So my bestest came to say goodbye to me yesterday. Drove all the the way from Pennslyvania to be here for her senior week. It was a crazy time of laughter and reminiscing and all the other ridiculous things we get ourselves into. I also got to me Emily, Amy's friend from the States. She's so awesome. Anyways the pictures are better than words.

Friends

True friendship is the strongest human relationship of all. I've spent a lot of time thinking about friendship for the past month. I guess you don't realize how much you're blessed with until you have to leave it behind. The past few weeks God has been talking to me about what it means to be a real friend.
Our society today has gotten the meaning of friendship all wrong. To the world friendship means a relationship where its all about selfish gain. What can my friend do for me? Will they increase my social status? Do they make me feel good? But I wanted to know what God had to say about friends. One of my favourite examples of friendship in the Bible is that of David and Jonathan's. In 1 Samuel 20:17 It says that Jonathan loved David as he loved himself. The Message even goes as far as to say that Jonathan loved David more than his own soul!

So basically the way God see's friendship is something that is so pure and holy that many people never really begin to understand what it means to be a real friend. To be a friend you have to place someone before yourself. As a friend you want the very best for the other person. It's a decision to love and cherish them no matter what. It also means that when you reach the stage in friendship where you completely trust the person. you also have the duty to lead your friend in the direction God wants them to be even if it means letting them gently know that the place they are at right now is not where they should be. Being a friend is not an easy task for us. As selfish little humans we tend to love to talk about ourselves and our problems but I think its time we stopped being so self obsessed and begin to focus on someone else. Friendship is such an amazing gift. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my friends. I think I'm guilty for not appreciating all of you as much as I should.

So to all my friends I love and cherish you very much and even though I'm leaving you will always hold a place in my heart. My brown crew: Lani you have such an inner strength that I admire. I love you and I want to thank you for always encouraging me. You've pushed me to do bigger things.
Sandra, four years of watching you grow and mature. I can't tell you how much I love and appreciate you. You are so special and whatever you set your heart out to do you will do with the best of your ability.Follow your dreams and always keep your eyes fixed on Him. Natalia, you have changed so much and I can't tell you how incredibly proud of you I am. You are beautiful both inside and out and don't let anyone ever convince you otherwise. Your value lies in the way your heavenly father sees you!
Nicole! I am going to miss your laugh like crazy! You brighten everyday for me and I love hearing to your funny stories. Only you would dance in the hallways and I love you for that. Dora, you are the one I admire and respect the most. You are such an example to me. Your love for Jesus shines through everything you do and I am so blessed to have you as my friend. You are wise my friend and I thank God for you! Keep loving Him the way you do.
Tina, my driver! Haha I love you so much. You are gorgeous, smart and kind and I am so happy that you are my friend. I’m going to miss you so much especially as I’m going to be the only one you can’t visit .

And now my lovely TACF crew!! Angelica, my sister forever!! I've known you the longest and I am so incredibly blessed to have you as my friend. I remember when we first met you were so shy and sweet. I remember you asked me to be your friend. I was so happy that day because somehow I knew that God had brought a very special person into my life. You are beautiful and the sweetest person I know. You and I will always be friends because we've gone through so much together. Nothing can separate us and I want you to know that no matter the distance I will always love you and you will always be my Angelica!
Rachelle, I only got to know you recently but I am so grateful for you. You are so encouraging and God has such amazing plans for your life. Your heart is so pure and your love for Jesus blows me away. May you always have a heart of worship and give it all to Him because He is all that matters.
Mel, I love you! You are kind, loving and every time I see you I am so happy to be able to call you my friend. God has given you so much wisdom and insight that is way beyond someone your age. You are truly a woman of God and when I look at your face I see Jesus. You are also an incredible worshipper. Of all the people I know you are the most humble and that is so refreshing in this world where everyone is filled with pride.
Maeghan, you brighten every room you walk into. I love your infectious smile and the way you are so passionate about seeing your friends come to know Jesus. You are someone I trust and value and I am going to miss you terribly.
Miranda, you are so lovely! You are incredibly sweet and God has given you such an amazing talent to capture the beauty of his creation.
James! You are so freaking amazing!!! I am going to miss you and your random comments. Now I won't have anyone to sing renditions of Outkast with. Keep smiling buddy and go for all your dreams. One day I be able to call you Dr. James and just for you I'll let you tell me all the gruesome details of guts and blood and whatever strange things you enjoy.
Brendan, I admire your heart more than anything else. You are such a complex and deep thinker and such a passionate lover of Jesus. I am so glad I got to know you. There are so many things about you that God is going to use for big things and I'm so excited for your future. I will miss our chats but I know that even though our time was short I met someone who was definitely worth getting to know.
Ashley P, I love you man! You are so funny and talented and beautiful and most of all your love Jesus! I’m going to miss you tons and tons. I love your random funny faces and your voice and your laugh and basically I love everything about you!
Sarah, you have such an incredible sense of humour. It definitely runs in the family. I loved getting to know you in this short time. God is the one who has placed that passion in your heart for the unborn who are given no voice. I can already see that He has something huge planned for your life. Keep going strong for Jesus and you already shine so brightly for him.
John Pditty, even though you tease me mercilessly I think you’re so great! You’re funny, smart, tall, white trying to be black I mean come on whats not to love??? I’m going to miss you so much! You better keep in touch or else you know about those men in black who will be at your doorstep.
Samuele, first of all let me say that you are every girls dream boy! Lol sorry couldn’t resist teasing you. I love your heart of worship and how you love Jesus. I’ve sort of adopted you as my brother even though you don’t know that but I’m letting you know now. I am going to miss playing on the same worship team as you and our talks. You are such a great guy and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.
Last but not least Leena, I love you! You have such an exciting future ahead of you and I can’t wait to one day work with you. I am going to miss you a lot because you have taught me so much about listening to what God has to say about our lives. You will always have a place in my heart.
For all those I haven’t included in this I love you just as much and want you to know that your friendship has meant so much to me. Here’s one more verse about friendship. John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.” I love you!

My 18th Bday

read this in an english accent

Ladies and Gents, this will be a short lil blog just letting everyone know that I've decided to go accept Bristol University's offer. Therefore anytime after October you, my lovely friends are more than welcome to come visit me in England. But please know that I am going to miss everyone of you terribly and already have begun doing that even though I haven't left. Not being at youth for two fridays in a row was horrible! Anyways cheerio mates and I love you all!!

Deep in the stillness

Have you ever had one of those moments where time seems to come to a stand still and you're just overwhelmed with what a small part you play in the universe? Lately I've been so caught up in the business of life that it’s been a while since I've had one of those moments. But two nights ago I felt like going outside at 1:30am and standing alone in my back yard. I was up so late because I had been writing an essay on free will for my philosophy class and I was just not feeling inspired. I had all these thoughts whirling around my head about choices and destiny that I just needed some time to breathe. I used to spend a lot of my time outside in the dark when I was little because Namibia has some of the most amazing night skies, but now that I'm older I rarely do it anymore. It’s funny how as we get older we tend to forget about the simple things in life. As a child I was always outside and never wasted my time as much as I do now. Taking joy in the little things is something I’ve had to relearn which is very depressing but unfortunately tends to personify the general population. But getting back to my story. It was late and pitch black outside when I stepped into my garden. I took a deep breath and happened to glance up at the sky. The sight that met my eyes was incredible. Across the darkness of night were countless of tiny twinkling stars that sparkled. Looking at this I had this overwhelming moment where I wasn't thinking but just sensing with my entire being what an awesome creator I serve. The silence that night was something so peaceful yet so powerful. It’s a silence I can’t put into words. It was more like a silence which enveloped me with this huge sense of awe and wonder. I felt like the entire universe was endless and I was this small little dot somewhere on the face of this planet. I would have been happy just to spend my entire life in that moment, drinking in the reality of my existence on this tiny planet floating amidst countless galaxies. I'm not a person who likes silence but that night it was like the whole world was asleep and the only two people awake were me and God and deep in this stillness He was washing over me all the love he had put into creating this incredible planet we call home. About two years back I did a project on Judaism and found out that in a Jewish marriage, traditionally the bride and groom will have the actual ceremony at night, under a canopy of stars to remind them of the promises God made to Abraham about their people. I think Abraham must have experienced a similar sort of moment as the one I had looking at those stars that night. Genesis 15:4
He took him outside and said, ‘Look up at the heavens and count the stars –if indeed you can count them.’ Then he said to him, ‘So shall your offspring be.’ I love how God challenges Abraham to try and count the stars. I’m sure Abraham even started counting and then just became so overwhelmed with how many there were and how magnificent the night sky was. And then when he finally gives up God is like “O by the way you’re going to have as many descendants as the stars in the night.” I LOVE THAT! My heavenly Father loves to blow my mind and too often I’m too scared to believe that the promises He has spoken over my life are actually real and will come true. Yet he remains faithful and continues to speak destiny over my life even when I feel so overwhelmed and unworthy.
The promise Abraham received was huge! The Bible goes on to say that he believed the Lord and God credited Abraham’s faith in him as righteousness. But later on in the chapter Abraham sleeps with his wife’s maid servant in order to produce a son that could carry on his name. I don’t think he forgot God’s promise but like anyone of us,he tried to take it into his own hands instead of letting God fulfill it. Completely letting go is the hardest thing to do and often wanting to have our life under control hinders us from letting God take over and fulfill his plan in us. But I love how even though Abraham took things in his own hands he eventually learns what it means to surrender all to Him. God tests him and Abraham passes the test. I want to be so passionately in love with my Maker that I’m willing to offer my all. But for that to happen my “self” needs to die first. It’s a process of refiners fire and turning one little lump of coal into the diamond it was meant to be.

Le premiere blog, the first blog, das erste blog etc. etc.

So I finally decided to change to blogger because everyone else had it and I just had to conform. Yes, sad I know but I'll shave my head tomorrow if someone is very distressed by this. Basically I need to write a blog because I'm leaving Canada land and people don't tend to like hearing me ramble so why not ramble on the computer for the whole wide web to hear?